For the last few years, I have been poked with needles, prodded by the best specialists. I’ve been through every test imaginable-no scan has escaped me. They have found a few things wrong along the way. Issues with my heart (non life-threatening). Something they will retest on an annual basis from here on in. The white matter in my brain is scattered. They told me when you get older, your white matter will definitely drift. My white matter has drifted a little too far, but they are only going to retest it every year to see if it Is expanding they attribute that damage to my many falls.

They almost hospitalized me-but there were only six available beds at the time. A nurse told me that there were six people ahead of me who were sicker than I was. So I was sent home with an arsenal of pills and the orders to do nothing for a week! (Don’t I wish something like that was even possible!)

Since Michael passed, for the first time in my life, I have experienced panic attacks. I have fallen, quite a lot. Generally, it’s on stairs. I black-out, I don’t remember the fall or the landings. What usually brings me around is Kota whining and pawing at me and licking my face.

The doctors initially told me, I might have a brain- bleed. I was also told that I might be in the early stages of MS. There were other dire predictions-but the test results didn’t support their guesses.

My eyes have been playing tricks with me. One night at the top of my very claustrophobic stairs, although the bright stairway lights were fully on. I could not see the stairs. I knew they were there. But the only thing I could see was this inky blackness that reminded me of the old-time movie; “The Blob!” This inky blackness was moving up the stairs like black fingers towards me. Honestly, it scared the bee-Jesus out of me. I wondered if I was going crazy.

Before Michael died,  my oldest sister (who I hadn’t seen in over 30 years). Called me out of the blue. She said her and Frank were on their way to Canada. They were in the area and they wanted to take Mike and I to dinner. Wanted to know what our favorite restaurant was and they would meet us there. No mention of coming by the house. That I was confused by this call would be an understatement.

When we arrived, they were already there sitting in their car. I got out, opened her car door and asked her “What gives? I haven’t heard from you or seen you in what,  30 years, yet suddenly you show up like this?”

That’s when she told me, she could not stand to be in the same room as me for over 10 minutes! I looked at my sister who I idolized the entire time I was growing up. I asked her what I ever did to her? She told me that I made her feel guilty. My mind was spinning. I asked her. “Why do I make you feel guilty? What did I ever do to you?”

That’s when she told me that every time Mother and Daddy were beating the pound out of me, she  never stop them. She said she could have but she never did. (She is quite a bit older than me) she told me  ” I can’t handle the guilt!”

I was the only one out of three daughters that was being abused. I had a counselor years ago tell me that when you are in a dysfunctional family. If you are different, sensitive, giving, artistic or what have you. The odds are, you will be the subject of the darkness that lurks in family members.

With Gwen telling me that it brought so much back that I have been trying to repress all these years (in spite of going to multiple counselors.) These days, my parents would’ve been arrested, but back then-child abuse wasn’t spoken about. It simply didn’t exist in the main collective thought. What happened behind closed doors, stayed behind closed doors. Thankfully today that is not the case. It’s also why I am drawn to only rescuing stray and feral cats who have been abused or mistreated.

So why am I putting all of this out here so raw and open? I had a feeling this morning when I woke up that someone out there might be in the same boat as I was. Being depressed and being in denial about it because then you have to deal with what makes you depressed. Not speaking out due to the fear that I faced a week ago, when I realized that nothing was making sense. All these tests, being shocked and flopping around on a table like a dead fish. Everything that they did to me nothing was coming up.  no actual diagnosis was found. There was no cure waiting in the wind.

After an incident in my kitchen about a week ago. Where my body was betraying me. I knew that I had to get down on the floor and get this mouse out of the house before Addie decided to kill it. But my knees would not bend. They simply wouldn’t bend. I was sending messages to my brain to bend my knees. Nope wasn’t happening. Ended up,Addie got her trophy.

I went to my office and I started writing down my thoughts. I am infamous for making lists. So I started a list. At the end, when the realization hit me, I googled the following: “Can depression, manifest itself, and cause physical pain and other symptoms if not dealt with?” I was shocked at the answer and led to a reputable website where they offered a questionnaire with the list of 15 symptoms of depression. I checked 14 boxes!

Now I was scared. There is such a stigma regarding mental illness now. Back in the day, you were instantly sent to a sanitarium for a 72 hour hold, if you even hinted that you had a touch of mental illness. But I took a deep breath, made an appointment with my doctor and asked him if this could be true. Could this be the catalyst of all the pain, the debilitating headaches, the vision problems, the black-outs and the falls?”

I was surprised at his reaction. He smiled at me and he told me that I was a brave person to go down this road. He said I was brave to even speak of it, considering how it has become so politicized. He said it is entirely possible that this is all about depression. He excused himself from the room and came back and handed me a paper. It was another questionnaire about symptoms of Depression. It was a lot longer than the one I took online. I checked nearly every box. He has diagnosed me with MDD Major Depressive Disorder. He still wants me to see the oral surgeon, there is a concern that I have a fracture in my jawline after one of my falls. He also wants me to keep my appointment with the neurologist.

Dr. Chad has put me on Citlipram. It’s fairly new in the market as far as anti-depressants go. I told him I didn’t want to go on Prozac or Ativan or anything that would turn my brain into a zombie. So we are trying this first. I’ve been on it under a week and can already see and feel a positive difference.

This is also why my blogging has been so sporadic for so long. My eyesight comes and goes (even after an annual eye exam showed very little changes in my vision.)  The only way I can explain it is; it’s as if I’m underwater at times. My eyes blur out. I can’t read or write.  If I’m driving, I have to pull over till it passes. I know now, I am not crazy. I did ask Dr. Chad does this mean that I could be psychotic? He smiled and told me that he sees no psychosis in any of my behavior or character. My older sister who I never met, was born with hydrocephalus. I’ve always felt my entire life that my mother had an undiagnosed mental illness. I don’t see how mother could do things to my mother. I was glad to hear that I am not Psychotic I  am just depressed and seeking the help I need to find my center again.

This morning after my doctor appointment (my 50th) just kidding, but it seems like it. I took Kota and walked him to a local park. Little did I know that during that walk I was going to meet an incredible man with an amazing kitty. Unlike other people that I have met at this park in the past, he was not homeless. His kitty was not in need of Rescue. She is  the sweetest kitty I’ve ever met at this park . She follows him around like a dog. He does not have her on a harness or anything else. They are joined together by their evident love for each other. They are traveling around the United States in a van. She loves to drink out of puddles. It still blows me away to watch her with him and see how closely she monitors where he is, as well as how closely he monitors where she is all the time. I feel incredibly blessed to have met this man, we had a fairly long conversation. So I just wanted to share some pictures of his traveling partner-Mama Kitty.

When it comes to Ashley’s abject terror about being groomed in the house. We have been struggling to come up with another way to break through that wall that she has created and show her that we mean her no harm.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been going into the main enclosure early in the morning before the sun is up. Ash is a lot more relaxed during this time of  morning. My goal has been to be able to just pick her up, hold her gently in my arms and take her over to the platform. It is there that I try to groom her without the stress of the cat carrier being involved, or chasing her (which is never the answer.)

She has been remarkably compliant. By that I mean, she doesn’t bite, scratch or dig her claws into me. She no longer has poop shooting out of her backside. However, I cannot restrain her for very long. The way I found that works for us:  I lay her on the table encircling her within my arms, once she has settled, I am able to for maybe three minutes? Take the brush and the comb and attack the mats that are attacking her.

It’s not fool-proof, some days she’s not up to it, but we are making slow progress on getting her mats removed. I am only able to do one side at a time, before she decides that she doesn’t like this program and she wants to move. I wish I could say that I have all the mats removed off of her, but that’s not the case.

Here is a photo I just took of her. You can see just by her posture and her relaxed eyes that she is doing so much better than she was say a month ago? I couldn’t be more thrilled with how she is learning to accept being approached.

A couple weeks ago, while I was at the vet, I instigated a conversation with my him regarding the high vet debt that has been hanging in the air for so long. We talked at great length. He actually listened to me and I told him a lot of things that I have kept close to my chest. At the end, he asked me if there was a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I told him well there’s not a light, but there’s a flicker of hope .

I have since decided that for the next six months, I will be giving my vet a very large sum of money every month to get this vet debt gone. My calculations if I give him this amount of money every month, the debt will be paid off in September. This leaves very little behind to cover the cost of cat food and cat litter. It also delays my chances to get my truck repaired, also to fix my tractor and my lawnmower. (This is not the right time of year for these two pieces of farm equipment to be non-working . My grass is so tall in the backyard right now that when I walk through it, you can’t see me! And I’m 6 foot tall. But I have to do what’s right in this decision. No matter how much a struggle this is going to create, this is the right thing for me to do.

If anyone cares to help out by donating cat food, that would be a blessing. Donating cat litter is not very viable because it’s so heavy and expensive to ship.

As always, monetary donations are always gratefully accepted. Please if you send dry food, only send Purina cat chow-As far as canned food goes, Friskies is always a good bet.

We are still getting cats that are being dropped off. We are also unfortunately, finding a few boxes of baby kittens. Thankfully a friend of mine, whose husband is a saint (he recently built her the most beautiful kitten room I’ve ever seen is taking the babies from me. Her kitten room even has an oxygen cage! Like I said, her husband is a Saint! The room is initially set up for preemies and newborns. It’s pretty epic!

There is one advantage to not having a working lawnmower right now. When I went out this morning to feed, there were three deer bed down in my pasture grass. At first, I thought there were only two adults, but when they got to their feet, I saw they had a fawn with them. It was such a peaceful sight. In what is now a pretty crazy world.

Again, if you could donate cat food, it would help immensely. If you happen to have or find any coupons for cat litter and you want to send them my way, please contact me via email and I will be happy to give you my mailing address. Please use this email address: mothermary55@comcast.net

Yesterday, inside the cat enclosure, as I was leaning down to put clean litter boxes in for PITA, PITA chose that very opportunity to escape. She was perched on the upper level shelf watching me. So far during this process  it has never caused her to react other than just stick around, but she didn’t seem like she minded being in the cage.

Just as I was bent over to push the litter boxes in the corner, she launched off the shelf, bounced on the middle of my back and flew out of that cage. It took me a minute to react because it took me by such a surprise. When I straightened up and looked, she was flat on top of Magoo!

The way that they were positioned, it almost looked like when she launched outside the cage. She had a target and she just landed flat on him. My heart was in my throat ,  I went over, but she would not let him go. I’m trying to calm down and breathe because she’s feeding off of my energy,just as I am feeding off of hers. I finally managed to get them apart. But there was no way when PITA is in this state of mind that I would even touch her without gloves and heavy clothes on. I was in T-shirt and jeans.

Once I calmed my breath, I did try to follow her around and get her to come to me. I don’t know how long that was, but in the end she won. I almost had her at one time, but she decided to go another direction and ducked underneath the couch.

So I challenged myself and thought what can I do now? The first thing I did was leave the situation. I knew that Magoo was not safe. I had already been on the couch with him for about 20 minutes, just snuggling with him and checking him to be sure he didn’t have any bite wounds on his neck. I didn’t feel any and I didn’t see any, but anyone who knows about working with kitties, bites don’t show up immediately. Thankfully, Magoo is a very loving kitty. He was not that way in the house, but he certainly is that way out in the enclosure. We’ve spent many an evening just cuddling on that couch. He still loves to be groomed (unlike his sister who looks like a real mess). I thought maybe Bentley was the reason that she was pulling out her hair. Now I know that it was PITA all along.

But here I am getting off track… I went in the house and grabbed a can of cat food. I don’t have many left but springtime is coming so the need for the wet food won’t be as constant now. They will mostly get that at night. That’s just how I have to do it because of all the insects.

I went back out to the cat enclosure with the cat food. I didn’t pop the top until I got in there and the minute I did all the cats came running including PITA. I teased her with the can by opening it just slightly. When she bent down to smell it that’s when I gently grabbed her and immediately put her back in the cage. She did not struggle. She did not growl or try to bite. She was perfectly calm. I took my high-end stress out of the situation so she was able to calm down and get back to her own energy.

I visited with all the cats. I was looking for any other type of bite wound because if she was doing this to Sweet Magoo, chances are pretty strong. She was also doing it to all the others. Sometimes it’s hard to live in thier world and when you think that you might’ve figured out at least one part of a complex puzzle, they turn around and show you that you were wrong.

I thought until yesterday when I saw it for myself. That the disruptor within the clowder was Bentley. I had been encouraging Bentley to stay out on the warmer days until nighttime. He is an inside-outside cat enclosure kitty. He has never wandered. He goes on his walk-abouts almost daily when the weather permits. It seemed to lessen the stress  that I felt when I came through their door in the mornings. So I thought I had solved it. Turns out all the time it’s been PITA.

This is in no way her fault. I will never know (maybe I don’t want to know) how she went from a loving, happy kitty who loved my lap- to the snarling, growling, totally hissed of kitty that I saw when I returned back to the shelter, I had given her to only a week before.

I went to reach for the cage door to open it up and see if I could calm her down. Before I could open it this attendant close by yells at me not to! I looked at her like she was nuts. I turned back to the cage and I was opening the door. I could hear behind me the worker hurrying away. I’m sure to report me to the supervisor.

PITA, she was hunched in the very back corner of her cage. Her back hairs were standing on end and she was growling. Another adult comes running in and demanded to know what I was doing? I turned around to see the supervisor. I told her I am leaving. I’m taking my cat and I will not be bringing you more in the future.

I leaned in, talking to PITA gently. I have a special song that I sing to all my bottle babies. So I started singing to her. I could see her finally relax. I picked her up and snuggled her deep in my coat and I walked out of that place, I’ve never walked back in.  As we got into the truck, I turned to Mike and said : “Come on, Babe. Let’s all go home!”

So that’s where she is. She’s home. I wish she was with the others, but there’s no conceivable way that will ever happen. Once again, I’m grateful that I took the time to figure out something I’ve never done before which is construction. I was always doing construction with Mike, but I never paid attention to what he did even when we were building side-by-side. I believe you call that taking someone for granted. The cage is larger now. There is an insulated box of straw inside the new edition. It’s made of wood and cozy so when it gets super cold, all they have to do is crawl into there.

I need to get rid of the guilt I feel for being the one who put her there. But in retrospect as I said before, it’s not her fault, nor is it mine. It’s just the way you have to work with kitties who have PTSD.

On another note, just because I got my haircut for the first time in I don’t know how many months. I now have two donation jars around town. One is at the beauty salon that is pretty new over by Subway, the other place oddly enough is the gas station Main Street Market. The two women who run the beauty shop encouraged me when they found out what I do for a living to put a box into their establishment. So I did. Apparently, when they’re cutting hair, they’re also talking me up! So I learned that the manager over at the gas station wants me to put in a box. (Times have sure changed, those boxes are expensive! It’s been a long time since I’ve bought one of those.)

I don’t go to town much. My truck is still pretty unreliable. I’m grateful that it is now paid off, but it also needs a lot of work. The mechanic who worked on it last, told me not to drive it more than 15 miles. I try not to drive at all, which is another reason that I’m not active rescue  right now.. I won’t ignore those that cross my path, but I don’t go out anymore and just run all over the county rescuing kitties. Too many people would have to turn around and rescue me! Lol. I know every Tow truck drivers’ in the area by their first name now.

Hopefully by tomorrow morning the tension will ease and  peace will reign. I know Bentley can stir things up in there, but keeping him outside during good days until after dusk seems to help that. Kind of like a teeter totter: You have to find the balance, you have to figure it out and learn why their behavior is suddenly off. Sometimes you get it wrong. But sometimes you just get lucky.

This morning, took me quite by surprise- when I walked into the cat enclosure to feed everybody, it was just before dawn. Ashley came to greet me! This is the first time in mini moons that she has approached me. I was petting her, I took a chance, and I picked her up! She laid in my arms and purred, and allowed me to pet her. It was extremely difficult to not start pulling out some of those mats that are just hanging on her. But I didn’t want to destroy this moment. She allowed this interaction for about 10 minutes before she started to struggle. So I instantly put her down. Surprisingly, she didn’t poop one time!

This for me was a big milestone for us. I am hoping it will continue, but I will not get my hopes up. You never know with these PTSD kitties how their moods are going to swing. But it was certainly a delightful start to the day. It was also confirmation that confining PITA to the Introduction cage was the right move.

This morning I took Aspen into the vet for infected anal glands. I paid the money for the appointment however that took me down to $8.94 in my cats account. I still need to buy cat litter at $20 a box. If someone could help me come up with $40 so I can get two boxes of litter, that should help me get through till next payday.

thank you in advance. Aspen is a little disgruntled, but she will be fine

I took this picture of Ashley this morning. She has been recently showing that she’s been under stress. She’s been pulling her hair out of her chest. You can see the missing hair underneath her head on her neck and chest. She is not pulling it out anywhere else. She really looks hammered.

I’m hoping the change I had to make recently will help her out. While I was cleaning out the enclosure getting it ready for Spring, I noticed several instances where PITA took it upon herself to attack Ashley and Pigeon. After witnessing two of these attacks, I ended up taking PITA out of the clowder. She is now in the Introduction Cage.

PITA Is showing high Alpha behavior. She is pursuing the cats actively. Once she catches them, she exhibits mounting behavior, by biting their neck fairly aggressively and holding them down. She has shown herself to be fairly relentless in this pursuit. My presence didn’t seem to have much effect on her.

In trying to figure out why this new aggression is occurring, I have to wonder how much her and Twist’s constant warring between the wire is playing into this. Twist seems to enjoy  taunting PITA. Twist will run around the outside of the wire, PITA will follow her. They were ram the wire while trying to get to each other. Twist will finally tire of the game and go off and join her brother for other adventures.

To hopefully solve the issue and restore peace back with the group. I have decided to confine PITA to the Introduction Cage for the duration, I am grateful that I took the time late last year to re-design the cage, making it quite a bit larger than before, adding other levels and several hidey holes. There is now room for at least five litter pans, plus I tore down one side that was a bit, can we say; fragrant with cat spray. I replaced the wood with tile that does not soak in the urine making a big difference overall. I was able to get the tiles for free from a home design company in another town. The tiles were broken and they were just going to throw them away.

Do I feel guilty about making this decision? Yes I do. She has lived with these cats for years. She will be 13 years old this year, I’m not sure if Twist is what has flipped the switch in her? But we really do need to have peace within the group. The balance has shifted.

I can tell by looking at Ashley’s eyes just how terrified she is. Because I’m not out there all the time with them, I can’t be sure exactly what’s going on but I am hoping that this will help.I took this picture through the kitchen window, I was not standing next to her and scaring her when I took this. She still hasn’t forgiven me for grooming her a few weeks ago. Despite all I did that day, getting rid of all the mats, she is completely matted once again. Most of it I believe is due to the stress.

Here is a photo of Ashley’s brother taken the same morning. The difference in their body language is pretty apparent.

Twist and Kota have been friends from the very first time they met. Twist is so feral that she will not let me touch her. No matter what I try. It’s funny to watch her trail Kota all over the back property. She actually follows him like a puppy.

Recently , I’ve noticed that she is stopping when he Is pooping. So now, when I go out in the mornings to clean up after him. There right next to his stool is hers.  It’s just so weird. But every time he stops and squats, she does the same thing and she leaves a small pile for mom to clean up. She doesn’t even bother to bury it.

I guess she can’t get much closer than that? ( I hope I didn’t offend anybody by the subject matter.)I just thought it was funny or maybe a bit strange that it happens now every time when I do Poop Patrol.

Addie & Aspen in a rare moment of harmony

This morning when I woke up, I realized that once again, I was running low on cat food. Thankfully a donation had recently arrived, so I went over to the store to buy what I could to keep the kitties going until payday.

There was an elderly gentleman by the cat food. he was picking up individual cans of cat food, examining them and putting them down while shaking his head. He looked so perplexed, I asked him if I could help him with anything?

Turns out he just had a stray show up and he wasn’t sure which food would work for this boy. I went over to where he was standing, picked up several different kinds of canned food. Told him that the best thing to do is to feed him a little bit at a time out of a can until the cat lets him know what kind he likes.

I explained to him that he would be wise to stay away from beef of any kind. Not feed consistently fish, but mix it up a bit with chicken and fish. He told me I sounded so knowledgeable and asked me why I knew so much? I told him what I do for a living and how many cats we had in the sanctuaries. I showed him some pictures of the rescues, then turned my attention turn back to trying to find a case of cat food that I could actually afford. The prices locally around here are totally out of control.

I was looking at the selections, the prices, and mumbling to myself. I picked up a case, but found I didn’t have quite enough to cover it so I put it back and started putting individual cans into the cart. He  questioned why if I had so many cats, why didn’t I buy the cases? I explained to him that since Covid hit donations have dwindled. Most of the cat food that I buy now comes out of my check.  I just have to be careful because at the end of the day there isn’t enough money to go around..

He gave me an encouraging smile. As he walked away passing my cart, his hand passed over my purse which was sitting on top of the cart. Then he just left.

Curious, I went over to and I looked inside the side pocket that was opened. There was $100 bill inside! I ran after him, (I confess I was crying). I asked him if I could give him a hug. I gave him a great big hug and I told him he has no idea what he just did for me and my cats. He just smiled, hugged me again. Then he just left.

Today is our wedding anniversary. Still not easy to get through some of these anniversaries. It was a somber morning for me when I woke up, until this guardian angel, this kindly old man, reached out and touched me deeply.