Taking my morning stroll with Kota back to the creek (today in dense fog) I heard the flapping of immense wings. Straining to see through the mist coming off the creek, I looked up and directly over my head, I saw this beautiful grey heron. He was scoping out the creek (the water is over the level due to the last few days of heavy rains. Suddenly, he swooped down and carried off a fish for his breakfast. It was magical for me. The last few months have been so tough for so many. Some of us in lock-down, removed from the people we love and who love us.

Seeing this majestic bird slammed home to me why Mike and I bought this place. At the time (30 years ago) the house was in shambles. The outside stairs leading up the second floor, wasn’t deemed safe. But we fell in love with the land and all the creatures that came with it:deer, coyote, raccoons, possums, skunks and even cougars. Although most of the the larger predators have moved on, walking the property and pausing in the trees helps me find balance in my day. Two days ago, I saw an eagle in my back pasture. I haven’t seen a eagle at our place in at least ten years..

Today, the gas man cometh. My stove has grown to be quite bi-polar. Sometimes, it works but mostly it either won’t light on the right side, or it whooshes up. I haven’t been using that side of my stove for a few months. I’m also hoping that he will help me move my stove out. I have a sneaking suspicion that the contractors left another hole in my wall as mice are still quite prevalent in my kitchen. Magoo and Ash have honed their hunting skills and last night they were alerting to my stove. When I shone my flashlight between the stove and the cupboard, I saw a gray field mice running the line of the wall.

I discovered a few months ago, that they left a big hole open behind my refrigerator (which I plugged with a steel plate). I am hoping I find a hole behind my stove- otherwise, I have no clue where these critters are getting in. I keep trying to entice Twist into the house. She is full feral and my best hunter- but she wants nothing to do with it. She has been outside her entire life after she was offered up as bait as a young kitten to a boa constrictor. 🙁 Can I even blame her that she steers clear of humans? No, I cannot, but I keep hoping that just one time she will step over the doorway and take on the hunt.

I did buy a few of those “humane” mouse traps. The slogan is “The mice go in, but they don’t come out!” Yes they do come out of the trap all the time, except first they eat all the peanut butter you spread on the pad and leave their droppings behind. LOL I am being outsmarted by a mouse. Don’t waste your money buying them- they do not work.

Thank you to those who donated to our cause recently. We were able to buy 4- 30 can cases of Fancy Feast, 2, 40 can cases of Friskies and 4,  40 pound bags of Cat Chow. Also we put a few dollars on our vet bill.I wish I didn’t have to purchase the food through walmart (after they kicked us to curb a few months ago). But we needed the food now, not in a week which is what happens when we order online.

Have a safe and sane Memorial weekend.We are staying put here with the animals.

My apologies for not posting sooner, but I did not wish to jinx what was going on. Four days ago, right after they did an ultrasound (and found nothing wrong except tarsel tunnel) which I already knew I had. The symptoms stopped occurring. Just as quickly as they started, they have stopped. No extreme fatigue. No falling asleep while I am eating. (That scared me the most). The night sweats, leg cramps and inability to not be able to walk that came and went… It’s all gone away. (TYG)

I even tested it yesterday and took Kota for his first walk since March.We went on the walking trail for two hours and it felt wonderful! Even the constant chills have vanished.

They still want to do the cat scan which is next Monday. But, I have my life back.I am so grateful for that. Thank you for those who prayed and worried and wrote to me privately. I do appreciate you all. All of this made me really miss my two M’s (Mike and Molly) The burn kitties do not seem to offer much comfort. They are still spending a large amount of time hiding underneath my coffee table. My hope is one day, they will come out of hiding permanently instead of just at meal times and litter pan visits.

Speaking of meals, if anyone could throw a few dollars our way, we are down to one bag of Cat Chow and 6 cans of Fancy Feast. Burn kitties may live in seclusion, but boy can they eat! LOL They were just recently dewormed. I believe it may be from the fact that right after they were born, they were forced to eat the dirt and ashes that surrounded them. Magoo will, after he has polished off his food, bat the bowl away from Ash and steal her food too! He is such a scamp.

After he eats, he goes to the cat food closet and sits there looking at me accusingly. I am sure if he could talk, he would say: “Please Mom, may I have more?” It takes him three cans before his appetite is satisfied.

All other kitties are doing well at the moment. Baker is still fighting, He is getting so skinny but he does his walk-abouts in the mornings still. My neighbor is amazed because he will dart out of the cat enclosure at any given moment. He then goes to all his old feline friends, says hello to each of them. If the sun is out, he will lay in the sun for a few hours and when I come out of the house to see where he might be. He follows me back to the enclosure and walks right in. That’s his normal day. She said he must be a dog in cat’s clothing. No, he’s just Baker. He is my last old-timer here.

I know the day is coming that he will not want his walk-abouts anymore and that will be the sign that he has finally given up and given in to the kidney disease. He is still on his special meds and prescription diet, but the cost is ridiculously high.The food  seems to help him, but it slams our food budget hard. Thank you for anything you can offer during these hard times that everyone is going through.

Molly’s marker:

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I’m getting ready to share with all of you (who still visit here) what has been going on behind the scenes.. This is not cat-related. I am still trying to process everything and make sense of it all. So here it goes. Before I start, I debated whether to put this out there, as there is so much controversy existing  already regarding Covid. But, I think I just want a record of all of this, and perhaps find someone who might be  dealing with these aspects of the Covid vaccine.

March 30th, I received my second Pfizer shot. Although at the time, I was relieved and happy to have both shots on board, the initial shot gave me a 24 hour, 2 week headache. That was not fun. I was told when I contacted a medical professional “schooled on vaccines” as she stated over the phone, that any attempt to bring on over-the-counter meds would be counter-productive, stopping  the process of the vaccine. So I let this dull, constant throbbing go until it left. I’ve never had a migraine, but some of my friends are migraine sufferers and this headache did not fit the bill for that. It was also not a sinus headache either. This headache was just different.

I had heard from various people and read articles that the second Pfizer shot carried some side effects. I read, or I was told it would only last a few days. Given my two week headache on the first go round, I was praying that the second shot wouldn’t even affect me. I was so wrong.

When the chills hit that night, they were quite violent. My teeth were chattering so hard, I actually fractured a back molar. (Which as of now, has been pulled). I did not have a fever, or a cough. The fatigue hit me hard. It started in my arm where I got the shot and then traveled downward into my leg. I forced myself to get up and do the things needed to keep the cats and the dog going, but I was sleeping more than normal. I kept thinking to myself: “This too shall pass.” Well, it didn’t and it hasn’t. If anything, it has accelerated. There was no headache, none, which I found curious? Just chills, night sweats and extreme fatigue. These chills on the second go round (thank God) were not violent. Not shake me out of the chair kind of chills, they went internal. They do not stop. Just call me Goosebumps Mary Anne. 🙂

I did some research because in my heart, I felt that it was connected  to the shot and not something else. I couldn’t find much, until one website, I located a survey done for people who had both vaccines on board. On the Pfizer end it stated that 2% of the people with both shots onboard had severe side effects to the vaccine. They did not expound on what those side effects were. They also revealed 5% were showing symptoms of side effects longer than just a few days!. Some going over a month.or longer.

So I caved, and went to  my doctor. The weakness in my legs was starting to alarm me. At times, when I was walking my property, it felt like my legs had no bones in them? They would first start to jiggle and then flat give out on me. Only one leg at a time, the feeling, the pain would rotate between both legs, but not make them weak together. My Daddy would tell me (if he were still here) that I had “a hitch in my get-along.”)

I think when I first walked into the clinic, they didn’t quite believe me that I had been going through this for as long as I have. They performed multiple tests on me, did a ton of bloodwork (I haven’t been to a doctor in 14 years unless it was an emergency). When my new PC heard this, he was sure it was something else. He promised to call me the minute the results came back. They also gave me my first Covid test which was negative.

What I found quite odd, before I left the clinic, I was required to answer some survey questions. I am sure those of you reading this, have done this is the past. You are given either a tablet or a piece of paper that you read and fill out. Not this time, these questions were directly asked of me by the nurse standing in the hallway looking right at me the whole time. The questions were a bit bizarre (to say the least). The two that stood out for me: I was asked if I was blind? I was asked if I was deaf? At that point, I pulled a Mike-trick. The Diabetes had robbed him slowly of his hearing over the years and he wore a hearing aid. Any time he was asked if he wore a hearing aid ( like they couldn’t see it hanging off his ear?) he would go “What? Excuse me, I can’t hear you.” The nurse laughed and apologized for the questions. She told me that they were required to ask them.

The doctor seemed pretty certain at my age (66) and the lack of care from a doctor for so many years. There HAD to be something wrong. When he called me to tell me the results this is what he said: “For a 66 year old woman who hasn’t been to the doctor in years, you are remarkably healthy!”  As he explained, there is nothing they can do for me to make this go away. They do not know enough about the vaccine to help people in my situation. The only thing that they can do is get me enrolled in a study.

I have no problem being in a study. But in this crazy world that has dropped on all of our heads of late, the study is in a town that is no longer deemed safe for others to go to. I would have to drive to Portland twice a month, and I flat refuse. I told the woman who called me if they can find a local doctor to do this study with me, I am all in. But until then, I would only fill out the surveys they need me to fill out.

I asked if this might be MS? He said he didn’t think so, I didn’t have the right symptoms for that diagnosis. I’m in  a wait-and-see mode along with 5% of the others going through what I am  experiencing..I just want a record of it all

I turned 66 years old yesterday, and I feel like I am 91 instead. I shuffle when I walk, I have constant chills. It was 74 degrees yesterday. Where was I? I had already tried sitting in the hot sun to quell the chills, that did not work. So, I was inside snuggled under two blankets (and still cold!) I feel like I have stepped into the Twilight Zone.

I have found out due to the barrage of tests that I have osteopenia (or however you spell it) I also have an extra rib. But I did not find out how to stop this process and I do not know where it will lead me next.

Kota has been sticking to my side like glue since two weeks ago when I went down suddenly in the middle of the living room. My legs just gave out. They trembled like jelly, there was a series of stabbing intense pain and down I went. He was right there comfort and support within minutes and I used his incredible strength to get off the floor.

The night sweats are getting worse. Last night, I not only had to wring out my nightgown, but I also had to wring out my sheets before I changed the bed. Coming from a deep sleep and finding yourself waking up in extreme dampness is unsettling. I wonder, where is this ride going to take me?

On the kitty front, the burn kitties are gloriously beautiful. But their behavior is challenging. I have two kittens in the house, I rarely see. Magoo when he is really scared (and anything and everything scares him) he will burrow into my bed, under the covers and hide from the predators he is so sure are after him.

Ash, her favorite place to hide is under the coffee table. i put a drape over it before they came back to us, and that is where she will spend the day.I have two kittens scared of their own shadow. I can sneeze and if they are out of hiding at the time, just a sneeze will send them scrambling for safety. God forbid, I should run the vacuum. Bring groceries into the house,  or put the laundry on the bed. convinces both of them that aliens have landed! I am hoping over time- they will grow out of these demons and become a part of the house. It makes me really miss my Molly.

I was asked yesterday by the nurse if I was sorry I got vaccinated? I told the nurse no, but that I wish the powers to be, (whoever they might be) had been more forthcoming about all of it. When you get the vaccine, you get paperwork along with it that explains some things. The vaccine is NOT approved by the FDA as claimed. It is approved for emergency use only. I found out there is a vast difference in that statement.They need more time, to explore potential side-effects to fully approve it. I wish they had taken the time, but I understand we are in an unprecedented moment in history  right now and they had to do something.

Now, I feel as if I am no longer a crazy cat lady. I am a lab rat. 🙂

Take care all of you and stay safe-

Both Scully and Rory have passed to the Bridge. The kittens had severe motility issues, unable to pee or poop even with stimulation. Scully did not even have the energy to strain. Rory after the third day, I could finally feel him try to strain, but at that point, he was so bloated and tight that what came out looked like mini petrified rabbit pellets.

Initally, I thought these babies were found in a field, but later trying to find answers to what they went through, this all took place in a cul-de-sac! The momma was killed in the initial attack. How the uterus got displaced and the individual sacs were scattered around is a mystery and no one is talking. The owners apparently are only concerned with smoking pot and drinking beer. How this all happened in their front yard with no one seeing or hearing anything? Who knows..

All I  know now, is the two are no longer in pain and suffering. They did not die alone, they died in my arms. They knew love, warmth, the taste of food and compassion. They did not even make it to their week birthday. This should have never happened, but it did. I did my best for them. I gave them Love. Thank you to those who gave their prayers, time and contributions towards what I was striving for- a full life for these wee ones. I am so sorry it was cut so short.

Poor kitties were so exhausted after feeding, they would just curl up in my hand and go to sleep.. This is the last living photo I took of Rory. The next day after this shot, God called him Home.

Please if anyone sees this and can send money. A pregnant mom has been found and she has been slashed open by something. Two the kittens were lying in the grass and three were still in the sack. If you can send money WE need it immediately to try and save these babies. I have 18 dollars in the account am going to find goats milk and syringes now to try and keep these babies alive. Please if you can send money do so and pass this around on social media (nothing I can do about getting the word out since I deleted my facebook page).

They arrived here about 15 minutes ago. Right now, they are so cold they are in our hot box. If we can’t warm them up, they will not survive. They are neonates- three were DOA they did not even fully form (they were still in the sac) 🙁 The other two are gingers. Please pray that I can do the right thing by them. One is trying to eat, the other has no interest. Once I can get them warm enough, I will try feeding them again.

Three o’clock this morning after Rory’s first poop, I discovered this wound. Looks like something was trying to eat him. 🙁

I miss her so much, my Molly, Her last day with me was yesterday. This morning, the house seems devoid of life. There was no beautiful tortoise-shell kitty to grace my pillow this morning. To give me catnip kisses or to nudge my chin, as she lay on my chest to greet me for the day. No one to be sure to spill hot coffee on me as I try to manage drinking coffee in the mornings while ducking all her headbumps to my cup.

Tuesday, it all came crashing down as Molly decided she had been through enough. She was tired, she didn’t want to fight the pain any longer. She sent me a message that clearly said to me: “Why  haven’t you been listening to me? Why am I still here?”

I knew months ago that she was struggling. The vets kept assuring me that when cats have neurological damage “over time their bodies will adapt to the changes.” But they didn’t factor in that this kitty, who follows me in the house. She will come into the shower while I am taking one. She will claim my lap, sleep with me nightly. Be the best representation of love-  until she is sick or not feeling good. Then she turns into the Baskerville Hound of Hell.

You can’t get a pill in her, no ointment can land near her without WW III breaking out. She takes no prisoners. Even something as simple as flea-treating her (which I did faithfully every month) turned into a battle of epic proportions. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it still. How a cat that shows such intense love for me-could just morph into the feral cat from hell when it came to helping her?.

She was my heart. She was adopted out twice and came back both times. She was set in her mind, her place was here, with us, with me. I was her human and I was gifted the blessing of being that for her.

I ignored the signs, until I could no longer. I tried several times to schedule an appointment to stamp her Bridge pass, especially in the last few months. But I kept procrastinating, hoping praying that her body would indeed adapt to the changes. I couldn’t let her go. She was in pain, but she was not dying. I knew that in her future this pain was going to really consume her and there would be NOTHING I could do for her when that happened. I was unable to even rub any type of compounded pain med on her ears. For the first time, I had a cat who was not feral that I could not pill.

One vet from another clinic told me (after his first visit with her) that she was “vicious!” He told me never to bring her back to his clinic. I never did. I never went back to him again. She is not vicious, She was altered from her freak accident with Kota. The vet got that so wrong.

Tuesday night, Molly and I sat up all night together. I told her I was sorry for letting her down. For not having the strength to face my day without her in it. I told her her  the fight would soon be over and as I spoke to her, she laid on my chest, she settled. She knew, she knew that soon she would be free of pain. For the first time in months, she just shared my lap quietly. There were no grunts of pain as she dug into her belly and back legs chasing the pain that surrounded her daily. She just knew.

I believe I got four hours sleep that night. It was the most peaceful I have ever seen her. We shared heartbeats, she left kitty kisses on my nose and chin. She snuggled under my neck. She thanked me for finally listening to her. I still have cat hair in my nose. She  crawled so much further into my heart than ever before.

I had gone to see my vet several months back, specifically to talk to him about her struggles. I had left her at home because she turns into a bat out of hell inside a treatment room. She never used to before. But after the accident, she was altered. How could I expect her not to be? As I shared in an email with a close friend- how could I expect anything else? Kota weighs 90 pounds, she weighs 8. No matter how soft my king-size mattress is, it could not protect her from damage when he jumped on the bed and landed on her It was past midnight, it was dark, she is dark. He did not attack her, it was purely a freak accident. I told the vet that there will be a time in the future that I would bring Molly to him. Although, (I told him) she may look “healthy” she will not be. I asked him not to challenge the decision, to work with me so she could leave here with dignity before the pain did become life-threatening. He promised he would do so and yesterday, he delivered on that promise.

She went so fast. She was so ready to go. The vet prayed with me afterward God Bless his gentle soul. He did not traumatize her, she just shut her eyes and went to God.

So in a year of great sorrow for so many, there is one more departure that tears at my heart. Ever since Mike passed, Molly has not left my side when I am in the house. It was as if she was saying: “I am here for you Mom. I am here.”

So although it took me awhile to stop ignoring the handwriting on the wall, in the end, I was here for her as well. I called my vet and he put her to sleep at 4:40 p.m. yesterday. I brought her home and let her friends say goodbye to her. I buried her under the cherry trees in the front yard where she loved to lay in the summertime. I planted a Dahlia bush on her grave. My clowder is in mourning this morning. She has been with us a long time. Her presence will be missed by all. Today, I know, she is curled up on Mike’s chest. I am sure he is thrilled to be with her again.

Enjoy the look back at this incredibly courageous girl. The love of my heart.