This is the time last year, when life for Mike and I went totally south. I am besieged from memories of the time from late August to early December when the realization that my husband was dying slowly started sinking in.

Last night, I woke from a bad dream, and soon the tears were streaming down my face and before I knew it, Kota came running in from the patio where he had been sleeping to comfort me. I hadn’t made a sound, just silently crying but Kota knows, just like he always does.

I wish I could stop crying. I am going to Grief Share, I am keeping a private journal and I am sure my friends are thinking it is time for me to just shake it off and go forward. My older sister told me the other day to just take a deep breath and get back to living.

All I know is I miss him every day. I remember in the end, how he just saw past me and would be having conversations with friends and relatives long-dead. I knew that he had a foot in both worlds and when he died a part of me left with him. I just didn’t think it would be this hard. I tried to distance myself from him in so many ways, I think to protect myself from immense grief and that back-fired big time.

I know he is with God and so many of his friends both human and animal, but it doesn’t make it hurt less. It is the silence at night that threatens to overwhelm me. I keep the television on whether or not I am watching it just to have noise fill the house. I still can’t go to our favorite spots without breaking down, and when I get mail in his name, I just burst out crying.

This sucks because I know that I am stronger than this. People tell me it will get better and that the first year is the hardest. I just pray they are right.

Thanks for listening to me blubber-

Yesterday, I received an email from the recent adopter of the kittens that Shya was peeing all over her bed and pillows. Shya was using the litterpans here, we weren’t having any accidents, but I know how frustrating it can get when you have a cat or kitten that is peeing on soft things. It is generally, stress related. If Shya was peeing in a sink, bathtub or just on a hard floor, it would be health-related. But she is way too young for a UTI.

I told Robin I would come and get Shya and bring her back here. But instead, this nice lady is bringing her back to me! She did say, if I can figure this out and fix the problem, she would take Shya back.

My thoughts are that Shya is just half-baked. She wasn’t ready to be born but in the stray cat world, a queen can be taken by up to 5 different Toms during one heat cycle which if they go unmated, can go on for weeks. Once the first mating is done, the queen can still smell ripe for toms thus cats with large litters of kittens come into play. Once the first litter is ready, all of them come out whether or not they are ready for the world. Shya is one of these babies. It’s also why I don’t usually adopt out a kitten until it is older (and spayed/neutered). But I understand some owners need “tiny time” with their new housemates. This is really the time period that I most enjoy kittens- once they are off the bottle and discovering the world on their terms.

She will go in the bedroom, and I wrapped the bed up in a tarp yesterday, and covered it with soft bedding. This way, when she pees on the bed, it won’t go through to the other blankets and the mattress and I will be able to see it easier. I am thinking Shya may be the kind of kitten that just wants to be an “only” and here, she will be as long as she doesn’t try to escape from the bedroom.

As far as the chaos coming, I will just have to figure out where to put her. I might have to just put her in the deck enclosure during the construction times. That cat enclosure is set up specifically for problem sprayers and pee issues. But it is outside, and I would rather have her closer to me than that.

Yesterday, the temp went into the triple digits! Bella is in an elevated cage off the back patio with an access to a catio if she wants. But she has learned that when she tries to go out of the opening into the catio, she rubs her incision, so she stays inside the cage.

I decided to open her cage door, block off the access to the patio for the other cats. I put a small cat condo in front of the cage for Bella to figure out how to get up and down if she wanted more freedom. Then I left. I knew that if I stayed and fretted that she might fall, it would transfer over to her and she just might fall. She has to figure out how to use her body by herself.

When I came back an hour later, she was lying on the patio floor by the fans and looking at me as if to say: “Mom what were you so worried about?” So now, she will be set up in the patio to roam the whole area as she wishes and not stuck in the cage in this heat.

I also found a home for her. Someone saw her on FB and called me. I went over and met this wonderful, elderly woman and her and Bella would be a perfect fit. I can’t let Bella go until I am sure her fissure in her jaw is completely closed so it will be about a month before Bella can go to a new home. The woman is going to come by every so often and visit with Bella so they can be used to each other.

Also the kittens left last week. They all went to a former adopter’s home and although I never let kittens go before they are spayed, I know that she will do the right thing and get them spayed when it is time. Plus they are all girls, so there won’t be an accidental pregnancy happening. I miss them all, but I am soon going to have boots on the floor, my bedroom completely being ripped up, a new roof on the house. There will be plumbers, electricians, laborers all over this place. I didn’t think it would be fair to ask the kittens to endure all that chaos. I’ve gotten several emails from her and other than showing a bit of stress at the new move, the kittens are eating and drinking and getting to know their new home.

It will be nice for Bella not to have to battle her tongue all the time. We are $90.00 shy of making her surgery a reality. I feel like a broken record, but we could sure use the help right now. She could sure use the help to get her on some substantial food to put meat on her skinny bones!

She is moving towards being strong enough to endure a second grueling surgery and dental work. We are a week away, please donate if you are able to! Thank you so much!

Bella is moving freely about her 5’x5′ cage. She is pooping, peeing, eating and drinking although she can only eat on the right side of her mouth because of the crack running through her jaw. I feel so bad for her though, because in about 2 weeks, she has to once again endure another major surgery and then some dental work. We are $150.00 from making the goal of the second surgery at this time.

Yay! No sideways picture this time. Now if I could only figure out how I did this with the new update. LOL

Here is a better picture of Bella. She can get a bit cranky at times and is prone to growling, but she has not struck out with her claws or bit me. She seems to fancy Fancy Feast classic Broth pouches. I call it Kitty Krack- haven’t yet met a cat who turned this down. But I hope after her next surgery and she heals, she can eat something a bit more substantial. This kitty needs to gain weight!

Thank you Chris for helping me figure out how not to put photos in my blog sideways!

Spoke to the vet and he wants to keep Bella for longer. It was discovered this morning that not only did her leg get damaged, but she also has a broken jaw! They didn’t notice it because she has been heavily sedated and on fluids waiting for surgery.

They can’t fix it right now, it will have to be done later because of the stress factor on her. Poor kitty. I will go in tomorrow morning and visit with her and talk to him about it further- 🙁

She wasn’t able to be on the table yesterday, but this morning, they did remove her leg. I was told she is resting comfortably and she did great during and after the procedure. At least now, the pain that she is in, will not last long. That joint was shattered, again, I do not know how she made it to our place.

We are $90.00 from meeting our mark on the bill. If you can send anything, I pray that you will and I thank those of you who already have sent something. I know times are hard for so many and my heart is greatly touched by the donations sent in.

We don’t need another kitten, but we have one anyway. She was heard screaming in some bushes near the road and I was called. The problem for this kitten is the bushes she decided to hide in were poison oak and poison ivy! She was riddled with fleas and shows all indications that she is inbred. Her tail is shorter than most, and not stubby like a manx. If you gently pet her tail as you come to the short end, you can feel where the tail bone forks out and her nerves are not exposed, but they aren’t fully covered.

When there are no humans in the room, her tail curls up much like a chow dog’s tail would and it is so cute. We are calling her Shya

I guess you could say, her story begins right here although she is over 9 years old. I found her laying under the feral feeders and not recognizing her as one of the many strays that come here, I slowly approached to introduce myself.

She hissed twice at me. With great difficulty, this lovely tuxedo long-hair got to her feet to try and walk away and promptly fell over! I could see her back leg. It was hanging in the wind and twisted beyond measure!

Quick call to the vet and we were on our way. I didn’t and don’t have money for gas (I need $20.00 badly ASAP) But, I took her anyway.

The vet said the break was beyond fixing. Said at her joint it looked like someone hit an egg with a hammer! The two options were euthanasia or amputation. They will amputate tomorrow morning.

After having all these kitten emergencies and keeping the vet bill current. CATS Inc., is broke. We need at least $500.00 to cover this amputation. This kitty didn’t ask for this to happen. She has to have been in incredible pain after whatever happened to her occurred. I think she is in the zone now, where she has traveled past pain. They are so stoic. It is not in their nature to give away how much they hurt when they are sick or injured.

If you can help in anyway, please do. Here are some photos of Bella and her x-rays. Pretty sobering if you look at them closely.