The transition from Mike’s passing is made easier by friends. Not so much the human kind, as we as a society do not discuss death in any fashion,until we are forced to. As some people are relaying to me, they are afraid to say too little or too much, so comfort arrives in the form of flowers, casseroles and calming music CD’s. Which I appreciate, don’t get me wrong.

But the most empathetic of my friends, they have four feet, not two. And when everything around me, when I do venture out in public is bubbly, merry and bright, I can wear a smile for a little bit of time. Yet, it is when I arrive at my home and I open the door, and I see Molly greeting me as she never did before. Paws up on the security screen as I unlock it. The  minute I step inside and shut the door, she leaps on my chest and purrs her hello, headbumping and licking my face. My real smile returns.

Kota stays by my side and is ready to be a four-legged kleenix when the tears threaten to overwhelm me, which they quite often do. I miss Mike’s goofy stories, his laugh, his banter with the nurses. He would say each time they came in and told him they wanted to take his vitals: “You can take them, but you better give them back!” Or when the BP machine was taking his BP he would put his thumb in his mouth and puff his cheeks like he was blowing up his arm. They would all laugh at him.

The emptiness surrounds me and if I let it, the loneliness could overwhelm me. I am sad but trying not to be, but will be glad when Christmas is over and the New Year begins.

My two constants, Molly and Kota see to it that I have joy in my day, when Molly lays on my lap and kisses my nose, or Kota fetches my car keys and drops them on my lap, and then goes to get his leash to drop at my feet. That’s his way of lifting up my spirits- “Let’s go outside and play ball mom!” Even though there might be a bad storm raging outside, he is trying to calm the emotional one raging inside of me.

Mike’s obit is here: They made a mistake on the date of his departure and will print a retraction this week:

https://tinyurl.com/y8ueql3r

Franklin has been moved to the cat enclosure that attaches to the house, and for now, the tunnels are closed. He is a warrior kitty and he and Pigeon and PITA want to do battle badly! He also attacked Kota after showing no signs of fear towards Kota when they first met- no hissing, no arching of the back, no growling, not even flattened ears or tail- just one solid attack (biting and clawing) poor Kota’s muzzle. So he will be out there for now, and there are warming beds and hidey holes for him and I will continue to work with him to make him adoptable down the road.

Franklin is very pet aggressive. He jumps up in the air to get you to pet him, he is so starved for affection. The one thing I have learned about pet aggressive cats is eventually they start biting the hand that is petting them. I need to work with him with my artificial hand, one I rigged up with a stuffed glove taped to a piece of pvc and see how far he goes before he does attack. I also got him a calming collar.

But here he is in all his Golden Glory:

Mr Franklin is at the vet right now, getting tested and getting neutered, and having all those pesky matts removed.I just got word that he was negative and he is in line to be neutered. I have to get the bedroom ready for him. My home is a wreck right now, quite like me I think. I am trying not to be sad, but it is so hard. I am doing the best I can and perhaps that is why Franklin came to me in the middle of a storm. He is a reminder of why I am here and why I can’t be selfish and give in to all the sad emotions that surround me right now.

Here is a picture of the home I “think” he came from-

This was where Mike grew up- it originally had 114 acres attached to it and was a stone’s throw away from the Santiam River. He had a lot of adventures there and it broke his heart to hear that it had been destroyed. I have no idea what caused the fire- but it was a substantial loss.

A few months ago, there was a bad fire across the highway. The house was completely destroyed and there were dozens of cats living over there as well. The reason I know this is the home belonged to Mike’s sister and I hated going over there because of all the feral cats running around, She wouldn’t allow me to lift a finger to get any of them neutered or spayed (long story) and as it was the home Mike grew up in, he was sad about all the cats and the neglect as well.

I keep seeing the survivors creeping through the grasses near the railroad tracks across the highway and tonight, one of them dashed across the highway (almost got hit) when I was out feeding. I quickly was able to scoop the cat up into a carrier only because it was starving and skin and bones. It is a boy (I think) it is a long-haired golden one with shiny eyes. and tomorrow it will go to the vet and get tested and neutered. It is skittish but not feral and has already ate three cans of cat food within the last couple of hours. At least, for now, he is safe and warm inside the patio cage.

I wanted to thank all of you for your support and kindness that you have shown me. Not only of late, but all through the year. For the cat food deliveries when we were down to only being able to feed Special Kitty. Still trying to figure out what is so Special about that brand as my cats barely touched it.

Thank you for the cards after his passing, the flowers, the cat food, the small gifts that showed me how much you love and care for all. Thank you for the emails, the private letters and please bare with me, I will try and put my books in order and send you all your tax donation letters in the next week or so.

My whole world has just crumbled and yet life will go on. We still have cats that demand that I get up every day and not give in to the crippling of the emotion that now holds me. Molly has been my constant not allowing me any time to myself to give in to the despair I feel most of the time now.

I took her the vet because during the night of his passing, she somehow got caught inside the security door and the front door and I didn’t discover her until later. She was walking a bit wonky and vomiting, but Ben took films and said nothing was broken she was just bruised and tender. I had to laugh at her because she spent most of the time at the vet on my shoulders! It was as if she thought that if she stayed up on mom’s shoulders, nothing could hurt her.

Thank you all of you for your outpouring of love. I wish all of you the most beautiful Christmas this year. Please know that if I don’t contact you personally, the gifts you sent me helped to begin the healing and all of you are so special and remarkable people. It is my privilege to call you friends.

Right on the stroke of midnight, Mike took his last breath of air and left his body behind as he flew up into the heavens to begin life anew. It is now 2:00 a.m. and although I had previously sent his kids an email telling them that he was actively dying and according to hospice had about three days of life left- I did not have the heart to call them back and tell them that he decided not to wait the three days and go now. I will do that in the morning at a more suitable time.

I had been giving him morphine every hour to keep him comfortable and although the first part of the evening, he was sleeping peacefully although being unresponsive, toward midnight, he started thrashing about and removing his oxygen tubing. I finally decided to take it off and put it aside for awhile- and I as I turned to go back to the kitchen, I heard one last gasp of air and he was gone. He wasn’t thrashing without a purpose, he was trying to tell me that the oxygen was keeping him here and he was ready to go to better things. He is DNR but Hospice maintains that the oxygen and the morphine are more a comfort than an aid to continue life.

I am waiting for Crown Memorial to come and take his body away. He will be cremated and his ashes sent to my eldest stepson in Alaska. David and his brothers and sisters will then follow Mike’s dying wish, that he be scattered at Hidden Lake- the site of our first date over 36 years ago. They will lay the marker in Alaska as well, so they all can get together as families do and go visit their dad without having to buy additional plane fare to come to Oregon to visit his grave.

Like I mentioned before in a previous post, I don’t need an urn of ashes or a grave marker to remember him. I will never forget him.I will miss him so much, all his stories, his jokes he used to pull on me, his gentle humor and warm smile. I am glad his pain, torment, anxiety and sleepless nights are behind him now. Not only does he now have two good legs and a lean body, but he has a pair of angel wings to transport him all over Heaven’s glorious Kingdom. I feel him still with me even though he has departed this world. The funeral people should be here in about an hour as they are coming from Salem. Goodbye My Love- we will see each other again- I shall miss you so much.

Some of my favorite pictures of him:

Mike is shutting down. It was a drastic change within the last 24 hours to where he is now. He is home, he is the most peaceful I have ever seen him be. No labored breathing, no tremors, just deep unresponsive sleep. The Hospice Nurse has been here. He asked me if I wanted Mike to go the Hospice House and I told him no. Mike had told me that he wishes to die at home, so in these final days/weeks/hours? I will honor his last request.

He goes to a better place. He will be mugged by the animals we have rescued over the years that have passed on before him. I know Taylor and Racer are especially  waiting for him over the Bridge.A little boy waits there too. He has red hair and long, lanky legs and arms to envelop him in a loving hug.

God speed my Love- despite how cranky I got at times, I love you and always have. God take him swiftly- he has been through so much. I hope you have ear plugs ready though, for he loves to tell his stories especially to a new audience.

Why is it, that I can successfully manage to bring a litter of neglected kittens back from near death. Swiftly administering subcu fluids, dosing the little ones if needed and bottle-feeding them all on little to no sleep, but when my husband goes into crisis like he did last night, I panic and spill the morphine all over the floor?

Mike’s mass (now a tumor) seems to have a mind of its own and it is spreading. The fear is that now the tumor has become lodged into his kidneys and this stage of the game, there is nothing anyone can do about it except manage his pain.

Last night was intolerable for him. He was screaming so loud in pain that I thought the neighbors might call the police. Instead I called Hospice and they gave me some alternative meds to use until they could get him another prescription of morphine this morning. Because the pain has intensified, he now has morphine pills and drops to put under his tongue. I am told this will help the massive pain.

I finally managed to get about four hours of sleep before it started all over again. I was using rolls of ace bandages put underneath his pannis (the loose fold of skin right over his groin) to take the pressure off and stop the catheter from becoming blocked. Apparently too part of the problem is every time Mike lifts this mass up to try and find relief from the pain, he is scarring his kidneys and causing more blood to enter his urinary tract. He is passing clots now through the tube.

Not an easy path for us both, and I have to wonder if these respite visits might be harming him rather than helping me. This is the second time he has gone into crisis mode the day after he arrives home from Hospice House.

I heard him on the phone yesterday, calling old friends and telling them )”I’m on Hospice care, but don’t worry, I am just fine!” I think he left several of them behind scratching their heads and wondering just how “fine” he really can be.

We are so out of wet food  right now, and with the temperature dropping into the twenties and below, one way the cats outside stay warm is by eating heated cat food. If you feel led to put some monies into the Kitty through Paypal or order canned Friskies for the remaining 15 cats who call this sanctuary home, we would be grateful- overly so-

Reed came to us as a victim of Hartz Flea Products that you buy over the counter. It took a lot of TLC to turn around the damage done to this poor boy by a well-meaning owner. But he has far exceeded his original timeline the vets gave him. (7 months if that). That was 8 years ago.

Here he is fleshed-out and healthy and beautiful and ready for his forever home. He was found yesterday, sleeping on the roof where he loved to hang out, in his final sleep. He defied all the odds and survived massive poisoning from a product that was supposed to help cats not harm them.