The living room is now cluttered, (not with cats 🙂 But with medical equipment. His desk and computer have been dissembled and is sitting in small piles on the porch. There is an oxygen machine, a nebulizer, a bedside commode, a privacy curtain along with a new bariatric hospital bed, trapeze and bedside table. His lift chair has also been moved to make room for the moment when they have to come in and help him when I no longer can. I have tried to sleep in my recliner next to him, but he is having loud conversations now with people and animals long passed. These conversations allow the tears I have been holding back to flow and this drains my soul. I now sleep in the bedroom- Kota right by my side, Molly on my feet and Pigeon and PITA sprawled out the side of me. Thank God for a California King bed!
If he calls to me at night- Kota nudges me and we fly into the room together. Kota will go to his side and nudge his hand, and I will tend to his needs of the moment whatever they may be. I have gone from being a wife to the role of being a full-time caregiver with relief coming three times a week in the order of nurses, bed buddies (they give the baths) the social worker or the pastor. I take that time to just grab up Kota and go for a walk along the lake or to the Cascade trails which are looking quite barren these days as they are cutting down the once mighty trees and carting them off. We choose the lake these days.
I don’t like to go out in public. This is a small town and invariably, I will run into someone I know. News travels fast, and the first question they usually ask is “How is Mike doing?”
How is he doing? He is lying in bed, having conversations with dead people, his eyes when they are opened are almost rolled over to the back of his head which is, I am sorry to say, quite creepy. They say it is part of “The Process.” The process, the fight or flight when one individual is caught between two worlds, the physical world and the spiritual one. I take solace in God’s word these days. I drove by a church a few weeks ago, and the slogan on their front board said “Don’t tell me God is silent, if your Bible is closed.” That convicted me and I went home and prayed and opened the Bible and found my center and the strength to get through yet another day.
He calls me Ashley now. That is not an old flame of his, it is the name of one of our fifteen grandchildren. She has reached out to us in this time period and has called him faithfully almost daily. His youngest son is still trying to stay in touch with his dad regularly. The others call when they have 5 minutes to spare on their way to work or back. Each of us trying to find a good balance to keep him in our lives just a little bit longer.
I now understand that Kota is in our lives, not to be his service dog, but to be my comfort. I am keeping up with his training, he goes everywhere with me, because Mike is no longer fully aware of Kota and if I left him at home, there is no telling what would happen. Mike can’t see to his own basic needs at this time, let alone the needs of Kota.
I had to laugh yesterday when I was in Safeway. Kota was lying down on the floor by the grocery cart in the checkout line. Every time the line moved, he would move with me, lie down and wait. A lady behind me commented that she saw a “service dog” in Walmart the other day, peeing on the produce! LOL I told her service dogs, do not pee on produce, ride in grocery carts and poop in the aisles! We all laughed and then the gentleman behind her told me “This is the first service dog I have seen in a long time that LOOKS and acts like a service dog!” I am proud of Kota. He is so easy to train- and loves to be challenged. I’m not taking him to classes for service dog training- not only is the money for these classes ridiculously high, but they want time commitments as well. I have no time, because my husband is running out of time. I am training Kota myself and he has not disappointed me yet. When the time comes to put him through the one class where he can be certified as a service dog, we will go and he will get his photo taken, get his special vest and he will be my service dog till the day he dies. But that day is long down the road we are traveling at this point.
But in the meantime, I will continue to try and keep it together as I watch “The Process” take away the man I have spent half my life with and who has shared with me many adventures, laughs and memories. A man I love with all my heart and who I will miss till the end of MY days.
May Kota and the other furry friends give you the strength and companionship that you need during this difficult time. My father too saw and talked to long-passed people while he was in hospice, which is a comfort to know that they are gathering to guide him through the transition. Sending prayers.
Mike chose well when he married you. So grateful for you having Kota at this time.
My thoughts are with you and Mike during this heartbreaking “process”. I’m glad for the comfort Kota and the cats provide you.
This is hard for me to read, so I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to experience. God is with you as are all your friends, far and near. Mike is in good hands: yours and His.
He is having hallucinations now. He told me this morning, that sometime during the night, someone wrapped him up tightly in chicken wire and dumped him in the middle of the Redwood Forest floor. He said he laid there all night, looking at the stars through the trees and marveling at the essence of God. This morning, when he woke up, he was in his bed, but the trees had followed him into the living room. I told him that I would try not to disturb these Giants as I cleaned.
He says there are two of me now. He sees me clearly in the chair near his bed watching over him all day and he also sees a misty image of me scurrying around the house, trying to clean and get things organized. He wanted to thank me for hanging up a dark curtain that encircles the living room but that it seems to get closer to him, every time he looks at it. Could I please push it out of the way, for he sees a great light behind it and would rather look at that. (sob)
His cough is no longer dry, it is wet and it bothers him that nothing comes up. They call this in “The Process” respiratory secretions and it signals the end of time is near. Hospice is coming to get him on the 1st of December for another round of respite care (5 days) God only knows, if he is coming home at the end of the five days or not, or if he will just keep on traveling on to his true home- Heaven. It’s all up to God now, for I can no longer save him.
I am glad he is talking with you, even though it may be difficult to hear. My mom stopped talking some time before she passed, the rare times she did, was a gift.
I think of and pray for you both every day.
You and Mike are in my prayers. How sweet that he sees you in the chair watching over him. That’s a complement to you. God Bless,
Marian in Houston
May the good Lord enfold you and Mike in his loving embace. My heart aches for what you are both going through. So happy he sees you watching over him. The transitioning is almost complete and God in his infinite love and wisdom is preparing his kingdom to welcome your beloved Mike. I pray for continued strength and peace during this difficult time and for the days to follow. Sending much love to you as well as big hugs.