I often use this blog to post about the inhumane ways that people treat cats but this time, I am using this a springboard to post about my family. My mom just turned 90 and she is slipping away from us slowly day by day. It is as if she is losing bits and pieces of herself and lately, my oldest sister has been contributing to this decline. Whether she is doing it deliberately or not, I don’t know but she has really upset my mom.

My mom wants me to come and see her right NOW. I wish I could. Every fiber in my being wants to be there with her (despite our history together). I don’t want to get into her “business” my other sisters are doing that to their determent. I just want to go and spend a few days and give her lots of hugs and I can’t.

It isn’t Mike stopping me. He can’t go (though he wants to) but the trip by car is 20 hours and he can’t dangle his leg that long without repercussion. I have someone who would stay with him in my 3 day absence, and George bless his heart will be taking care of the cats. I will have to put Quincy with a friend who rescues dogs. He will be in jail for three days, but he will be okay. She has inside/outside runs for the dogs.

What is stopping me is finances. Seems it always stops me at every turn. We will soon be getting our tax refund back but we recently were served notice that we have to replace our carport roof (a tree went through it in a storm) The insurance didn’t cover it because it was an “act of God.” So we have to do it or we lose our house insurance and if that happens our loan company will drop us. I can’t justify spending the money needed to keep our home on this trip.

I broke my mom’ s heart yesterday when I explained this to her. I know she feels so alone and picked on right now and with her lapse of memory happening more and more often, there will come a time when I will call her and she may not know me. How bad is her memory, you might ask- I got a letter from her on Friday. I opened it up, there was a thank you card inside. I couldn’t think why she would be thanking me? I opened the card and it was completely blank. 🙁 I went in and called her and she couldn’t even remember sending the card.

So, I just put a card to her in the mail. This one wasn’t blank, this one was full of the love I feel for her and the frustration I carry for not being there to let her know that not all her daughters are trying to take over her life and other things as she grows old.

Mike said I should just go and we will deal with the repercussions later. But, it’s not just us that would suffer, but the 21 cats who currently call this place home. I can’t risk that. All I can hope is my mom understands in her moments  of clarity that I DO love her and I would be there if things were different.

I just had to clear this out of my heart- thank you for listening. If you are lucky enough to still have your mom in your life, I suggest you call her and tell her how much you love her or visit and give her a hug. It can all change in a split second.

The other day, I was talking to my mom and she was repeating herself quite a bit. Then, she had a moment of clarity and she said: “Is this Mary Anne the baby of the family?” I said “Yes Mother, it’s me.  She was quiet and then she said: “Can I tell you something?”

I told her “Yes.” then she said-

“I miss myself.”

So do I mom, so do I.