I don’t recall where I first heard that saying, but I believe it was a work after a fellow employee had dumped her latest heartache on the table of the breakroom. One uncaring individual simply asked her if she wanted more cheese with her whine. I thought at first he was asking her to share a bottle of wine, when someone clued me in that he was talking about whine-

So, I guess this is my whine moment but one of the ways I deal with disappointment, heartache, or loss is by writing about it. I believe by writing about it, I can compartmentalize the experience and deal with the emotional aspect easier.

I lost my best friend the latter part of last year, and no, she doesn’t walk on four feet, she walks on two (except maybe after a hard night of partying we “used to be” known for)! I have known Mo over thirty years. We met at a job, competed for the same position, got hired at the same time and then competed again for a better position- got hired as “guinea pigs” for this experimental program and hit the road together traveling from branch office to branch office.

I have been with her through her’s (and my) failed marriages, her childrens’ issues, breast cancer and all sorts of life-changing events. She has been my buddy, my confidante and someone I could always count on.

A year ago, she lost her sister and she called me and we talked. It was an unexpected death, took her completely by surprise (brain tumor) and for me it was also a complete surprise. After that initial phone call, I didn’t hear from her for quite awhile. I sent messages and emails and letters but she never returned my call. Knowing that the death of anyone loved is difficult, I backed off and let her have spac.

When Mike became ill, I attempted to contact her, valuing her expertise in the medical field. We connected and we talked but it was strained (to say the least) There were a lot of pregnant pauses in our converstation, and again, I wondered about where she was in life.

To make a long story short, I finally just pushed the issue and emailed her telling her that it felt like we were strangers when we talked. That is when, she told me about something she claims I said when she told me about her sister dying. Something, so uncaring and callous that it made me cry. Something that I would never be capable of saying to anyone, especially to Mo! But she swears I did say it and it made her think about where I stood in her world. She said that there didn’t seem to be a place for me anymore. And so she walked through the grief alone, which breaks my heart.

The only thing I can think of is that years ago when I was in that horse wreck, that it has indeed messed with my brain and I do say stupid things from time-to-time and never remember saying them. This could be one of those moments- because honestly, I am drawing a blank here.

I’ve tried everything I can to apologize to her.To let her know how much I have missed her, how much I have thought about her, prayed about her, but although she says she has forgiven me- the friendship has a wide gulf between us now and a bridge I am unable to build.

It shouldn’t be this hard to be best friends. For two people who know each other secrets, there should be a give-and-take between them. I wish she had just jumped down my throat at the time of the stupid comment and yanked out both of my tonsils. Then perhaps, the pain would be easier to deal with.

I think that is why I gravitate more towards cats then people. Even when you scare a cat by taking them to a vet and stress them out with surgeries, procedures and invasions of their personal spaces, they will remain forgiving. It might take a few days, but pretty soon they are back in your lap, purring in your ear and telling you all is right with the world.

For Mo, I wish her the best. I wish her long health and happiness and I miss her but I understand that in her world, sometimes forgiveness is hard to come by.