Last night at work, I made a fool of myself and fell over. I was kneeling behind the games counter helping a customer when suddenly, I felt weak-kneed and dizzy. Over I went, hitting the game cage. Thankfully, none of the games crashed down on the customer’s head!

Nancy comes running over to see if I am okay. How ironic that I work with the kindest human I have ever met and yet she shares a name that brings me pain every time I say it.

I was fine just a bit wobbly and I was sent home. Mike was asleep when I got there- it was only 9:00 but these days, I am lucky if he makes it to 8:00! The cats converged around me offering me their purrs and headbumps. I think they knew I was off kilter and as I fell asleep, I had nine sharing my sleep space.

This morning when I woke up, I still felt disjointed and I knew what I had to do. I had to give a big package of grief to God because it hurts to much to keep carrying it around. It is making me gnarly and difficult to live with and though I have tried to move past the last parental episode, I find that moving past it is not something that I can do- but I do know that God can help me by relieving the burden of all the pain.

So all of it went up to God in a big ugly package. The grief of losing family both human and feline, I just gave it all up. I asked God to help me find my way back to Him, for I have strayed far since the years of Calvary Church, the Fire Escape, Maranatha and Icthus. I need my joy back- I miss smiling and feeling free. And poor Mike, our 24th wedding anniversary is approaching soon and after he witnessed what he did down north, I am sure he is having second thoughts about just what he married! I know I would! He barely talks about that night, although this morning at breakfast he did say that the room was so tense that night he could barely breathe. How did he put it? “So much ugly coming from two people I used to respect.” I know just how he feels.

My cats had a visitor tonight. Nick of the Feral Cat Coalition of Oregon came over to pick up his traps and also went into the cat enclosure. I had to laugh- for all the cats I have remaining- there were only three brave enough to stay in the enclosure when the “stranger” poked his head in- Sierra, Rocky and of course, my alpha- Matuse. Nick was impressed with the place where the ferals hang out- even though it was getting dark and one lightbulb does little to show off the true effect of the cat enclosure. There is another neuter scooter coming through in january, but the kittens are still to young to be clipped. I don’t think they do them before they are 6 months old, but I could be wrong. It would be nice to get them neutered by 4 months so they won’t even begin to spray anywhere.

The pups are doing so good. The love it outside and it is hard to get them to come in at times, but to their credit when they are in a situation they need to get out of quickly, they do listen to me and come when called. They had such fun this morning playing while the winds were roaring- 35mph winds- they were chasing bits of leaves and tree branches that were snapping, whileI was having a multitude of heart attacks thinking they were going to get smacked by a branch- but they didn’t.