I sit here helpless, watching as one-by-one the kitties fall like a row of dominos. Vibrant, full of life one minute reduced to just a whisp of a kitten barely able to lift its head. Antibiotics may just as well be kool-aid for all the good they seem to be doing.

I cry to my mother in emails and she responds with “You are strong, you can get through this.” I look deep inside for this supposed strength but instead, all I find is a well of tears.

Next week the oldest kitten will reach the age where she can be tested and she will be taken quickly to the vet for the test. I am thinking FeLV although some of the symptoms do not fit.

To what end do I keep these kittens alive? The torment they are enduring are mirrored in their eyes. They avoid my gaze as if they just want to check out and dammit, I don’t want to authorize their travel pass! Unable to breathe, unwilling or unable to eat they slowly reduce down into just a bare whisper and then they are gone. Eyes puffy and rimmed with red, swollen with pus, noses thick with discharge, bleary-eyed they survey the room and I wonder what must they be thinking? Autumn bless her tortie rebellious spirit will still try to flee from me when time to medicate arrives.

“God hear my prayer. I am so tired of being surrounded by such sickness and death. The Bible says You are a God of Life and I ask You to please spare the rest of these angels. Please grant me the wisdom to understand the right way to travel, the courage to take that path so at the end, the kittens can be whole again and give someone here on earth a wonderful companion. Right now you have a lot of my kitties in Heaven. Let others have the joy of their companionship and their love… Amen~”

As for me, I also have the urge to climb into the lap of a mall Santa and ask for two things. Complete return of health for all my cats and kittens and no more vet debt……. In a perfect world I guess and so I will continue on in my imperfect one.