The “C” word is a scary word no matter how it is used, and no matter who it is used on. Mike is in shut-down mode right now. Not that I blame him. I remember years back when Don and I were newly married. I had just undergone a routine doctor exam only to be called later at home and a doctor telling me that there were abnormal cells found on the slide. I went back immediately, and what followed was a total nightmare of the word cancer being bandied about like a tennis ball during an intense game.
The end result for me was a total hysterectomy and the end to my attempts to being a natural mom. I remember calling my mother and crying with her about the whole experience and feeling like a leper as all my friends were married and having wonderfully healthy babies.

So for Mike, his shut-down and inability to talk it over with me, I do understand. But it has left me with very little resources to talk this over with someone. Enter the kitties, who sensing the change in the air, the tension and the worry; they have been migrating over to our laps. Panic, in her special way has already adopted Mike as her favorite and last night she ran into the living room, leaped up on his chest and grabbed his beard while giving him a kitty hug.

Matuse, our alpha has been making a royal pest of himself. He seeks me out almost constantly, and when he isn’t snuggled by my side, or lying on my lap, I find him watching me from his vantage points in the room. It is as if he is saying “Mom? Are you okay?”

I know that I don’t have children of my own, although my step kids are wonderful and I love them all. My step-grandchildren are equally delightful. I am not delusional enough to believe my cats are my children. I don’t dress them up in clothes, push them in strollers and I really try not to name them people names. But they are still endowed with a special ability of understanding when something is off-kilter here. Their purrs are comfort; the soft paws on my face chasing tears are gentle. I am very blessed to have all of them in my life and I just hope they feel equally blessed. There are times when I find myself wishing I didn’t have so many, but today isn’t that day. I need all the purrs I can get.

Kodie is still a changed dog. She goes for her surgeries next week. Last night, Mike asked her to lie down and she was more intent on being next to him instead. He pointed his finger at his cage, changed the tone in his voice and told her “Lie down!” She actually cowered and whimpered, as if she were expecting him to stomp her! Seeing her like that broke my heart and last night I entertained fantasies of visiting that “perfect” home with a baseball bat and cheerfully smashing every Jesus statue in the house! I really want to break some kneecaps, but would settle for the smashing of religious figures. Some people have religion, others have relationships with God. Some people hide behind the rhetoric, while beating their children behind closed doors.

Really, the only things I want to beat right now are the nasty cancer cells growing inside my husband.