Or maybe the memories are chasing me. I’m not sure anymore. This time last year, Mike was failing fast. He had one foot in both worlds, having lively conversations with people long dead. He also reported to me during the last week of his life, that he saw two of me every day.

One Mary Anne, was sitting by his side in the chair by his bed and he saw another “misty image” of me scurrying around the house, cleaning organizing and keeping busy. (I was not in that chair 24/7 until his departure day Dec. 10th). I’m just remembering things with such clarity and not that many tears. I’ve had one meltdown in the last few weeks. Thankfully in private with Kota serving as my tear-catcher.

As my best friend Mo, who recently lost her youngest son to Diabetes told me yesterday- “You think you have a handle on the grief and it won’t carry you away any longer. But then something, some trigger occurs and off you go with your emotions raw and ragged as if nothing can stop your anger, tears, frustrations and “what if’s.”

Everyone who has grieved, does it differently. I have women in my group who were married far less than what Mike and I were, and their husbands have been gone for years and they seem frozen in their grief, stopping their lives. I don’t want to be that person, and I know that Mike would not want me to be that person.

On another note, come Tuesday, the build-up to my home will begin! I am so excited to see it take shape finally after all the destruction that has taken place. They found so many issues while tearing down the walls. Lots of reframing and restructuring had to be done. Now it’s just bringing in the new and hauling away the old. A good start for all.