You know, I thought that when Mike did leave us, that I would feel a big part of relief that his struggles with pain were over. He was so difficult starting about 8 months ago, when his appetite just left him and he got really cranky. There was a time when I considered just leaving him because of the changes the disease was doing to him inside and out. But I stayed, because I took a vow to see him through the good, the bad and even the ugly.
And I miss him more than life itself. I had the bereavement counselor stop by- but she didn’t really do much for me. I showed her my rememberance place that I constructed in one night of intense emotional pain. I stripped my refrigerator of all the magnets, the notices, the cards and put up photos that represented our 40 years together. All aspects of his life are up there. It is not a shrine. It is a place of celebration and reflection and yes, grief for me.
The counselor was impressed when she saw it and said she would mention it to her other clients as a way they can cope. Better than putting him in a book and shoving him in a drawer. This is a place where I can hopefully in time, work through the pain and the loss I am now feeling. The emptiness is overwhelming especially at night. That’s when he used to need me the most, when Kota would wake me to alert me to Mike stopping breathing because of sleep apnea and no, he wouldn’t use his CPAP machine.
And so I go back to just over a month ago that he took his last breath of air with me at his side. And I kissed him and told him I was so glad his pain was over and he was whole again. Mine is just beginning. I pray I am strong enough to come through whole again too.
I read somewhere that grief is just a reflection of how much love you had for person you lost. At just a month in, I would say just getting up and dressed and to the fridge is a good start.
Hugs to you.
I am sorry the bereavement counselor wasn’t of help. Is there a local church you can attend, or did she mention a local grief support group that you could join?
Time is changing for you, what filled it up, and your thoughts, has changed, and I hope you will let others pour in their caring to start to fill the space back up for you.
I really don’t know what I’d do. My aunt just lost her husband of 63 years, and I don’t know what to do except to call her and tell her I love her. You are cared for by many people Mary Anne….one day at a time, I hope it becomes bearable.
It’s going to take some time. You just have to go through the pain – have you thought of keeping a journal? Marian in Houston
My heart goes out to you.
What you do now must be for yourself. You did so much for Mike. Now, you need the healing. Don’t worry about what others say or think; help yourself. That’s part of saying good-bye, too.
I made a remembrance box after my mom died. The box held not just photos, but also cd’s of her favorite music, trinkets that were important to her, cards she had sent me over the years her favorite inspirational books and cotton balls with her perfume sealed in a plastic baggie. Just putting it together was therapeutic. I wish you peace in the days ahead.
Some other suggestions for a remembrance/memory box:
Add something Mike made by hand. Include personal items such as a hairbrush, favorite pen, book, or poem. Any favorite magazines he read?
I mentioned my mom’s perfume as scent can be a very powerful remembrance. Did he wear cologne or aftershave? A favorite soap? For cologne or aftershave, preserve the scent on cotton balls and put them in sealed plastic bags.
Anything from his childhood? A small stuffed animal, report card or drawing. A piece of fabric from his favorite blanket, pillow or shirt.
Did he have favorite sayings or silly things he used to say. Write them down in a letter to him. Any special holiday remembrances? Again, write them down.