My husband of almost 33 years is dying. They have stopped all supportive care and are placing him on Morphine to “ease him into transistion” That’s what they said. His kidneys are at 20% if they go ahead with the angioplasty it will kill him. So it’s a toss-up- will he die of congestive heart failure? Or will his kidneys just say “I’ve had enough- and then they get out of Dodge. I have to attend another meeting tomorrow with everyone in attendance (except Mike) his PC doctor, all the cardiologists, kidney doctors social services- the whole shebang.

He called me last night, he sounded really odd and spoke of things in the past we have done together. He kept telling me over and over that he “felt odd, disjointed, fuzzy inside couldn’t adequately explain it, then he apologized for his past behavior the last few years towards me and said he hoped I would forgive him.

I was there this morning when the doctors came in to see him. They discussed with him that they weren’t going to do the heart surgery and he asked in a puzzled tone “Why not? Isn’t my heart blocked?” One doctor tried to explain to him that they have done all they can and he isn’t responding in a positive nature to anything that they have done for him. He told them about feeling that funny way inside and they just looked at each other and left.

I followed them into the hall where one surgeon gave me a hug and said that this is how people feel right before they die. They don’t suspect he will be here for Thanksgiving.

I went back to in to see him and he was talking about going to Avamere to get stronger and better and coming home. (sob) I talked to him for a few minutes and then left. Tomorrow after the big meeting, I will begin the hard task of letting his kids know. I have kept them updated on everything but this update is not one I wish to deliver.