I just need to get it off my heart and get past it all. Writing helps that process.

I am back from my trip and I wish I could say that my mother had an epiphany and we had a marvelous time and found closure over the past. But didn’t happen. When I got there she didn’t know who I was and that was the best time of the trip. But, when she came to her senses and realized I was there, her objective seemed to be hurling insults at me right and left some subtle, some not but all meant to hurt my heart. I wanted to get mad. I wanted to smack her- but I just held it all in so I guess you can say I am a wuss and she still scares the living hell out of me. I swallowed all the insults and when she found she couldn’t get me to fight back, she turned her insults on Mike! That was my final straw and when I got back to the motel that night, I told myself that I was leaving the next day early in the morning.

I took Cooper for an early morning swim and afterward went back to the motel packed and stopped at the facility to tell Mother goodbye. They tell me she has 6 months, but I have seen this look before- if she has 6 weeks I will be surprised. They had her up in a wheelchair in the lobby and I saw that mean line on her lips when she saw me. The look that I so remember trying to run from when I was a kid and she was hunting me. I knew I should have just turned around and left- but I didn’t. I sat next to her and told her I was leaving and this would be the final time she would see me. Her response was “There are a pair of shoes on the couch.” The day before, she had been babbling about wanting to go on the elevator- there was no elevator, and she kept seeing a sign that wasn’t there, so  I looked behind me and sure enough, some clever person had made 2 GIANT stuffed pillows to look like flip-flops. Cute and clever and I said as much.

Then she said “What size shoe do you wear now Mary Anne?” I told her size 13 and she replied “OMG! Your father didn’t even have feet that big!” I have been 6′ tall since junior high. The way she said it just set me off and I said “I guess that just makes me a freak then huh Mother?” She said Yes, Mary Anne you are a worthless freak.”

Ok- I had held all my anger in check, gone back to the motel and in the middle of the night suffered the circumstances of holding it all in by being sicker than a dog (sorry Coop). This time, I reminded her of a memory I had of her going shoe shopping with me when I was a teenager. She used to take us to Van’s Shoe Store and when we got there, she would tell the salesman- “Don’t bother bringing the shoes for Mary Anne, she will wear the boxes home!” When I told her this memory, I watched her smile GRRR! Then she laughed and said “Yes, they all thought that was so funny!” I stood up leaned over her wheelchair and looked her straight in the eyes and said : “Guess what Mother?” It WASN’T funny.” I turned to walk out of her life, and she grabbed my hand to stop me. I turned around hoping this was it- this was the moment she was going to apologize for beating the living chit out of me when I was growing up- and instead she said this: “Before you go Mary Anne- grab those two pillows you can wear them home!” I wanted so bad to call her an asshole. But I didn’t. I just walked out the door and out of her life forever.

Today, I thought I would be angry.  But I am not. I think if I had turned on her and demanded answers as to why she hates me (though I already know why) I would be still shaking inside and be sitting in that “hate” spot. I am not. I am finally at peace.

Here is the last photo I took of her and I will be surprised if she lives the week out. I used to work in convalescent homes many years ago as a private nurse to dying patients. I have seen this look countless times. She is days from death.

I told my older sister in an email, that I am certain I am going to go to heaven, because I have already lived in hell.

The only thing besides talking to God that kept me centered was finding a place called Bidwell Park where Cooper could swim. It was an extraordinary park 11 miles long with a warm creek that I could actually walk all the way across and not get the bottom of my shorts wet with holes deep enough that Cooper had to swim. We had two trout chasing his tail one day that was hysterical. One of them was nibbling his tail and he kept looking at them like “What am I? Fish bait?” We also saw a swimming rattlesnake- that was a bit scary. But they can’t strike when they are swimming and we got out of dodge fast! LOL

Here is the last photo of my mother and one of Coop swimming. He is not using his leg at all- I suspect they will be amputating it soon.

I will also say that I was blessed before I left with a donation large enough to cover all the vet costs!  When I gave my vet a check for $3,794.62 the look on his face was priceless! The donor wishes not to be thanked publicly or acknowledged in any way- although I did send him a personal thank you card. It validates- this gift what I do- and it shows me there are people in this world who do believe that I am not just a “worthless child.“

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