I have been journaling since I was ten years old. Upstairs in the attic, are boxes and boxes of all my journals, my life as it were. It is my outlet, a way I can cope or make sense out of what is happening. Now, this blog takes the place of all those old school notebooks, journals, diaries and pieces of paper recording my history.

I laid in bed early this morning with kitties piled all over me and my thoughts were racing. We are hanging by a thread here, Mike and I. Although our marriage is as strong as it was 23 years ago, his Diabetes is sorely testing us. His hearing is now almost completely gone, and the expensive hearing aids we bought do nothing to restore his hearing. Thankfully, they came with a money-back guarantee or we would be in worse shape then we are now.

Our home that we have shared for nineteen years, well, there is a chance we are going to lose it. We are doing everything we can to save it and perhaps we wouldn’t even fight for it were it not for the cats. After all, where would you move after the bank takes your home if you have over a dozen cats?

Mike’s illness has caused a severe crimp in our finances. He is retired and we have his pension, but he is by trade a custom knifemaker, and he used to be capable of making knives that made your heart sing. Just an amazing man, who these days finds it hard to get out of the recliner and go into the kitchen to get his shot of insulin.

The other day at the vet the bookkeeper informed me that I can’t have anymore cat emergencies! Can you believe that? As if I plan on these kittens or cats to become so ill that I can’t help them here at the house. When I told the vet what she said ( I was really angry) he got even angrier and said he would “talk to her.” great, now I will have an angry bookkeeper sending me bills every month.

My friend called me the other day and they just got back from a cruise. I found myself wondering what that was like? To get on a ship and sail away from all your worries and frets, stuff your face, dance till dawn and not care that you have responsibilities and other aspects of your life waiting for you back home.

it has been ten years since Mike and i even took a vacation. We went back to my old home Southern California and I couldn’t wait to get back home to the relative quiet of our lives.

So life right now, as Mike and I knew it has changed drastically. The man I love is changing on a daily basis and I am watching the ravages of the Diabetes slowly eat away at his soul. He is defeated and tired, and I am weary and tired of telling him how sorry I am that I brought these extra kittens into our life when we had balance here at the house. But the alternative, I told him would have been horrific. How could I have turned my back on their plight? How could I have lived with myself knowing they were destined for landfill? He assures me that it will be okay, that God will provide and always have. We snuggled together while 8 kittens clustered around us, nibbling my hair, chewing his nose, kneading our chest, and generally making us laugh.

We may not have money at this point and time, but we have something I hold much dearer than that green stuff. We still love each other, we still laugh and enjoy each others company. He may not be able to hear me say to him that I love him, but he knows by my actions that I hold him dear to my heart. And that goes for every living creature under this roof. I may tire of kittens tapdancing across my keyboard, or scooping multiple litter pans and buying cat food on a weekly basis, but I wouldn’t change our lives for the world. And if they do come and take our house- well, I guess we will deal with that when it happens. Until then, I meet each day with a prayer and thank God that He has given me this incredible gift of being able to live among these strays and receive their unconditional love.