My ex-husband called today. I wish I could say that he called out of the blue, but it is coming to close to a painful anniversary for me to believe that he called for no reason.

He is now in Oregon, thankfully over 6 hours away living on a ranch of sorts taking care of the place while the owners travel.

We didn’t bring up Jeremy in our conversation, but I sensed he was still hanging on the grief of long ago. You can never forget the loss of a child, I don’t care how many years pass, it never leaves you. For him, after our son died, Don shut down much like a clam at low tide. He didn’t weep, he didn’t scream, he didn’t mourn, he just became withdrawn and quiet while I kept pushing him farther and farther away from me each day.

I have a feeling that on the day of Jeremy’s passing, my phone will ring again with Don on the other end. I hope, perhaps by then, he will be able to voice his grief, held so closely in check all these years and then be able to move past it finally to find a life again.

I will tell him that not one day passes that I do not think of our son and a life lost. How I wonder how Jeremy Ryan would have turned out, and what kind of mother (and father) would we have been to this boy? I will tell him that on the day of his death, I will once again visit a local department store, buy a toy for a young boy and then sit outside on the bench looking for the right boy to give the gift to. That is how I honor the memory of my son. I make another little boy happy in order to stop the unhappiness that could so easily take me away on that day.

I wish Don the peace to get through the day and the strength to understand that not all things are under his control. Not me any longer (thank God) and certainly not one little boy with long legs and a shock of red hair who didn’t stay with us but instead moved on to play with the angels.