Mike came out into the front room early this morning and fell out in the hospital bed here in the front room. Oliver takes up his vigil watching over Mike tucked between Mike’s leg ever watchful. The other cats leave him alone, perhaps they know that something has gone haywire inside of MIke’s system and Pop isn’t “Pop” any longer. Life as they know it has come screeching suddenly to a stop and they now have to deal with the onslaught of healthcare professionals who invade the house daily. They even seem to sense that my time is crowded and I don’t have a moment to myself anymore. I am either packing and tending to Mike’s wound, seeing to his needs, cleaning the house, working or volunteering down the street with a program assisting the homeless.

I find myself so tired wishing we had more money, more food, less stress, less bills. I have managed to save the house from foreclosure, but I wonder how long that will last? I envision myself as a homeless woman pushing a shopping cart full of cats down the street. When, I wonder did it ever come to this?

Mike’s blood sugar is so out of whack. It is either way to high, or to low and when it dips down he gets terribly cold and shakes so hard the bed trembles- so of course our heater flamed out the other day. I found another one, at a reasonable cost- a stand alone gas heater that resembles a wood-burning stove but no one will install it for less than a thousand dollars! My dishwasher quit, but that is no big deal. I have washed dishes by hand before. But now my car is making noises like the fanbelt is loose and I have to have that fixed.

Through all this chaos, all this sadness there comes solace in the form of felines. My cats understand that I am stressed and they gather around me in the morning as if they are saying ? Touch me, pet me…I will bring you peace.” Charlie, my little orange boy is most intuitive and he wraps himself around my legs as I am stealing this little bit of time to myself to blog. Sinclair begs to be picked up- his adoptive home fell through when he started showing signs of ringworm. Patty the lady who wanted him, only wants him if he is “perfect” which he is, even with a fungus. So they didn’t neuter him as planned because of the high infection rate of ringworm and he didn’t get to go to a home where he would be the center of attention. But that’s okay, because he is deeply loved here and I don’t care that I have to put on ointment four times a day on his head, neck and chin. Thankfully, after a thorough check of all the other cats yesterday, no one else is showing signs of being infected with ringworm.

I went to the doctor the other day as my headache was stretching into months- and lo and behold, I am stressed! Who would have thought? I am not depressed though (he says i am on the precipice of depression). He put me on antidepressants, headache pills and something to sleep. I find I am sleeping one extra hour in the morning now, getting up at 7:00 a.m. instead of six.

I take Mike in to see the specialist today and I am wondering what this new doctor will be like? Will he be able to tell us why Mike’s blood sugars don’t remain stable, why do mike’s pupils of his eyes constrict so in the afternoon and dart madly around his eye sockets? Why is he so nauseated, nasty and angry and when will life go back to normal? Hmm normal, what does that mean?

I talked to Ben yesterday when I took Sinclair and Kodie to the vets and told him I needed to find a good, loving home for my two horses. It breaks my heart to give them up, but if Ben tells me it is a good home for them, that is enough for me. I know that if I keep them through the winter, they will suffer for it because I have very little hay to feed them and not any extra money to buy more once the 3 tons run out.

So Life doesn’t suck, although it might sound like in this posting that it does. I have much to be grateful for; my husband is still alive, we now know who our true friends are and we have each other for however long we have left. My cats are my comfort and I have my health with the exception of this headache which still hasn’t gone away. And, I am still working and I found a wonderful group of volunteeers who help the homeless and the down-trodden. I go in twice a week and repack food, and I am learning to run the front desk so that I can spell the girl who does it now. I came close to losing everything including my husband- if I can help others who have lost everything, then that is my mission for now….