Talked to my mom tonight and I feel so bad for her. Dad died on Thursday and if that didn’t rock her world enough, she found herself out of her home and in assisted living by the following Monday. My two sisters were in charge of all the details. Never once was I even consulted about the plans.
Mother hasn’t even had time to grieve for Daddy and after 28 years of living with all her fine things so close to hand, she finds herself in a room where the bathroom is across the hall! The room is so small, she has a bed, her recliner, a computer, tv and desk. She has slept in a king-size bed forever, and now she is in a twin! I told her to please order a double bed at least if it fits in the room and have the extra space. I am “supposed” to keep our phone conversations “light and upbeat’ but how can I do that when Mother is crying about losing Daddy and NEEDING to grieve? How I can I dismiss that pain as if it doesn’t matter. It bottom line is no matter what my oldest sister wants me to do, I have to follow my heart and my mother and I both need to grieve.
I asked her in any of the other residents in the home are close to her age, but they are all a lot older (Mother is 89) She said that this morning, they invited her into the sun room so she could bat a balloon around the room with all the others- REALLY? She put up with it for only a few minutes then went back to her room.
I know she can’t live alone- she falls a lot. But I had hoped they would of at least let her stay in the house for at least a month or two with live-in caregiver so she could process Daddy’s passing and be able to say goodbye to her friends and her house in her time. But that didn’t happen and I can’t do a dang thing about it.
I am so unfocused right now. i went to get gas this morning and drove off with the hose still stuck in my tank! Thank God, I noticed it in time and stopped and didn’t do any damage. But, boy do I feel stupid.
On the cat front- the three wild kids upstairs are finally eating. The man was only feeding them greenies and I was having a heck of a time finding any kind of food they liked! I refuse to feed treats as food. I finally found a freeze-dried meal that is brand new Stella and Chewy’s Diet. I bought the duck dinner and they love it. All I have to do is re-purpose it with a bit of warm water.
The cats are still so terrified of everything. Hissing and spitting at me if I even dare come into the room. It makes me so sad how someone could have such beautiful kittens from day one and virtually ignore them.
The ten kittens in the bedroom are growing fast. Jedi is such a baby and when I pick her up and hold her as soon as she feels the comfort of me, she starts to suckle her paw. She’s so sweet- I do hope all is going to turn out okay with her. Mike says she is a keeper, and I have to agree. Besides she is black and they are so hard to find good homes for around here.
So there are ten spay/neuters waiting in the wings- hopefully in the next few weeks I can raise enough to cover the expenses and these kittens can go off to wonderful lives. That is the hope anyway.
I’ll just keep calling Mom and let her talk about whatever she needs to let off her chest. I can’t dismiss her pain, anymore than I can dismiss my own. It just isn’t natural.
I’m so sorry that your Mom is facing a second major disruption in her life, and so soon after your father’s passing. From what you say it sounds like your sisters are “tidying up” with a focus on what they want and not what might be kindest. There’s a recent article in the NY Times about sibling bullying. It’s so hard when the ones we think should be the most supportive shut us out. Keep calling, keep talking to her, let her guide the conversation.
Judy-
I just wonder how much care and concern they would have had if Mother and Daddy had lived either below or right above poverty level? Just saying- I know my elder sister is hot to get to Europe, she will be gone for two months. She told my parents recently that they better not call her if they break a hip while she is on vacation! WHO says that to senior parents? Yes, my parents were not perfect and especially now, Mother has been beyond difficult to deal with- but to not have compassion during such a time in their life- well it just speaks to what is important to some people (compassion) is not shared by all. Thanks for the heads-up about the article. It was an interesting read.
When I was with my Mother, we fought horribly- but that is just how we have been throughout our lives. Lots of conflict between both of us and past hurts. But right before I left- we had a major fight and a breakthrough. She told me on her own accord that the reason we don’t get along is because we are both so much alike. I even look like her now. We had about a 7 hour heart-to-heart talk right before I hit the road and we connected for the first time in our lives. It was magical really. She told me the day I was born (Mother’s Day ironically) that she had gone into shock, lost 5 pints of blood while in labor and had eaten right before the first pains began. They took me out of her c-section with only a local! She said the doctor was crying and apologizing as he was trying to get me out because I started bleeding as well. No one ever told me that story. My sisters were delivered normally- but not me-I wish we had talked thirty years ago.
With the house now all packed up and her fine things being sold at an estate sale, she told me last night, I should have just loaded my car with whatever I wanted! I told her I couldn’t do that. It would be like erasing both her and Daddy- it just felt wrong to be going around their home and saying “I want that- and that and that!” I did get some of the postage stamps my father collected for years, a bank made of a 1930 postal box and my dad’s postal helmet he wore all the time when he was outside. I also got a picture of my mother and dad the day they were married- my went AWOL from the Navy to race to San Francisco and marry my mother before he was shipped overseas! But that is it. What I really want isn’t possible- I want the clock to turn back and my parents to have 60 more years together.
I am sorry to read this…..it sounds like an agenda was set with no regard to your mother’s wishes….and that isn’t fair. And it is harder when you can’t do anything to help.
I’m sorry. And so many of my friends in this same spot; aging parents who can no longer care for themselves, tight household budgets and rural living with very few facilities available; a disastrous mix. It seems like every family has to find their own path thru an incredibly complicated maze of options. Well, I think I call my mom tonight.
and that one disappeared, too, looks like.
Sending comforting purrrrrrrss to you and your mother both, Mary Anne. A lot of families seem to have one member more interested in cashing in on the inheritance than anything else.
If you mother is comfortable with the computer and has internet access, maybe she could connect with some people on-line she more her style.
In particular, Empress Bee (muffin53 part deux) lost her husband of many years a while ago. Not sure that would help, but it might be worth some thought.
(We tried to add a link to Bee’s blog, but that seems to be a no-no for some reason)
I’m glad you are letting your mother talk. Every time you talk about your grief you are letting a little bit of it go.
Blessings,
Marian in Houston
It’s terrible what has happened to your parents. To lose her husband is bad enough but for your mother’s life to be disrupted still further and taken from everything she know is only adding to her misery, I’m sure. It’s good that you let your mother talk to you; that will help her tremendously.
I can’t understand your sisters doing this to your Mom so soon after your Father passing. Just can’t. I’m think it is such a blessing you had this breakthrough with her, and that you are able to be so supportive of her, something she surely needs.
My mom made the decision of when to move to an assisted living facility where she has her own studio apt, but she did research and went to lunch there, found others she knew there, and they have many activities appropriate for folks still quite sharp and fairly stable with mobility etc.
Does your mother have the option of moving to another facility? I know that where my mom is, they are nationwide, and they may have facilities in your state, they do in mine.
So sorry to hear of you Mothers situation. I second the suggestion of checking into other living options for her.Would either of your sisters be open to that? Continue to listen to her & am glad you have been able to connect with her & you can be her sounding board.
Here is the main webpage describing this company and allowing you to see where their communities are (I don’t recall if your mom lives in your state or not): http://www.holidaytouch.com/Welcome-to-Holiday
hi mary ann jsut passing through you did nlot hear from me for a while asw i hae no computer nad do not live at home i will sent you an email some day i am fine still having cats going ot sell my house to my daughter adn to holland again and i write a pocketbook next month but i just want ot say sorry to hear about your dad love carla and cats wil come with me on the ferry so i be doing a treasure hunt company your munm will be allright idd not read many things for months os when i am in holnad i go to read up your website again and if the book sells well i may see you next year